I Am Not My Mother
by eien yurai
Summary: Renesmee Cullen is forcing herself to grow up way too fast, trying to understand her place in the world and her relationship to Jacob, vampires, werewolves, and other hybrids.
1. The Bear

Chapter 1:

The Bear

I am not my mother.

I know it's hard to hear. I know everyone loves her, even admires her for her sweet self sacrificing nature, her devotion to her many loved ones, and the sort of innocence that still clings her vampire self. I love her too.

But I'm not her.

No one is born a vampire, and by definition, neither was I, but I'm the closest thing the world is ever going to get. And that makes me special.

Humanity's crux is that they are thinking, breathing, conscious things that are born to die. They must accept their transience in the world, because though they are beautiful and creative, the world will go on without them once they are gone. Vampires exist in an opposite reality where they are immortal and will never bear fruit, creatively or biologically. All they do blindly follow their desires through the ages, uncaring at whether they leave their mark on the world, because after all, they ARE the world, and will never leave it. They are stagnant.

But what am I? A child born to immortality, but the only immortal who grows and develops with the knowledge of her eternal life span?

"You're special," Jacob would tell me.

What could I do but acknowledge it?

My father and my mother were my world when I was young. I knew nothing but their love for each other and myself, and it seemed my world was balanced perfectly between their two selves.

But Jacob was different. Jacob seemed like a part of me I was destined to find and rejoin. He was my father, my brother, and myself. I cannot say I loved him, because I have never loved my own body, my own flesh. To me, he was simply an extension of myself.

Until Leah convinced me otherwise.

Leah functioned as a creature outside my world, beyond my extended family, while she roamed the woods as Jacob's liaison to his pack, in another universe. I rarely gave her my notice, she was an object I watched dart between the trees, beautiful and deadly.

When I was old enough to hunt on my own, I preferred to do so, much to Jacob's chagrin. He refused to believe me capable of surviving on my own, but could not deny my anything. And although Jacob's presence was comfortable, the very essence of total security, I had begun in my fifth year to long for solitude.

People at home surrounded me, touching me, handling me, blankets of love. Rosalie adoring me, Alice intrigued by me, Emmet and Jasper playing with me, Esme and Carlise, my father and mother, Jacob. Their love grew and covered me, smothered me, and for God's sake I wanted out.

I began to love the lone hunt.

It was on my third, while I was tracking a lonely she-bear, on which I ran into Leah.

Leah Clearwater had finished her courses at the local community college and was enjoying a relaxing summer before advancing to the University. Although I know she had originally taken her lupine transformation as a curse, Jacob had told me it was now a release. Converting to animal form had become her freedom from society, and she was known to run off for a couple days at a time to wander the Olympic Mountains. Jacob kept insisting she was going to give it up when she went to the University, but Father privately divulged he thought Leah would be sneaking out from her dorms to roam the nearby woods and terrify the native wild life.

And so I found her sprawled out on a slab of granite, enjoying one of the rare sunny days of a Forks summer. She had traveled up this far North as a wolf, and had shifted back into a lovely human girl to sunbathe, naked except for a pair of grimy jeans. Her black hair was cropped short, and she had her arms behind her head, eyes closed against the sunlight. I believe my mother always found Leah to be intimidating because of her androgyny. She was obviously beautiful in a female way, but not feminine. After her escape from Sam's pack, Jacob had noticed her independence and new confidence. Suddenly, for the first time since Sam, people had found her attractive not because of her face, but because of the force of her personality. I had secretly begun to admire her, and she had partly inspired me to break away from home and wander at my leisure. Watching Jacobs' wolf face as he conversed with her, sharing thoughts with her across vast distances, I found I was developing my own desire to talk with her face to face.

"Renesmee," she said, obviously unsurprised by my appearance as she could smell me a mile off.

"Leah," I said, not unpleased my solitary traveling was over, I flopped down next to her and smiled winningly, my pale skin glowing in the daylight. I had not won her over yet, and I knew it, but I also knew it was not far off. "Hello!"

At this age of five years I appeared to be a thirteen-year-old girl, with brown curls and brown eyes. I was beautiful and adorable. Everyone told me so.

Leah sat upward, trying to hide her discomfort at my presence. Leah had never let go of her distaste for vampires, despite the treaty between her pack and my family. She was ineffably polite in our company, having no wish to upset a still delicate balance, but she preferred even the remnants of Sam's pack to our company.

"Are you tracking the grizzly?" she asked, not looking at me.

"Mmm-hm. She's an old bear. I know she took down a full grown buck a couple of days ago." I had been watching this big brown recluse for several days, venturing out into the woods at night while my parents pretended not to notice. "He gored her cheek, here," I drew a line down the right side of my face, "and here," on my left shoulder. The she-bear had ignored her wounds, and devoured the fresh meat. "But she's hungry again, and in a crabby mood today."

"I'm amazed your family hasn't depopulated the state of Washington of bears," she scoffed.

"We don't normally hunt bears here," I said prissily. "Actually, I'm not supposed to for that very reason."

"Ah." Leah leaned back down on the stone, warm from the sun, and promptly ignored me.

I laid back, the granite rough even through my jacket, pricking my spine. Dense trees encircled our view of the sky, on which encroaching clouds had begun to covet from the north. The sunny day wouldn't last for more than hour.

The silence bothered me. At home, every one was always talking, or Father was reading my mind, and needling me about my thoughts. Of course this was awkward, but I would not relent.

"Truth be told, I haven't decided if I want to eat her or not. The bear I mean. I like her. She's tough, and by herself. I don't think she's ever had cubs, even though she's so old."

Leah twitched beside me. I suppose I was goading her a bit, but I would not press too hard. I just wanted her to talk to me!

"Maybe there's more to being a bear than cubs," she said. "Maybe she likes it out here, by herself, with no other bears around." She looked pointedly at me.

Oh, screw it, I always hated metaphors. I launched myself into the subject I was dying to talk to her about. "I don't know if I can have cubs," I said, monitoring the clouds drifting overhead. "The other's like me, I know, have not attempted it. I wonder, since I can change, and grow, maybe I can create little me's." Leah turned to look at me. I had her attention now. "I have no venom, so I can't turn anybody into what I am. It bothers me, sometimes, that I don't know anyone like me. The other _half breeds-_"my God, that word sounded bitter in my mouth "- are out there, but Mom and Dad tell me they are dangerous, and that I mustn't seek them out."

The elegant woman next to me turned to my face, startled at the sudden intimacy of our conversation. But I had nothing to lose, and no one else would understand.

"Imagine, Leah, that there are other female shape shifters out there, and they had answers to your questions, _all of them!"_

My exclamation was swallowed by the last rays of the sun, the tranquil silence of the forest resumed.

"Then, when you are bigger, the size of your parents, you _will _seek them out." She responded simply, closing her eyes, absorbing the last bit of heat from the granite.

Clouds had settled above us, the light dimming, and my glow was slowly dying out.

Leah sniffed the air. Testing the humidity? "You smell different than your parents, it's difficult to notice with you in their arms all the time."

"How do I smell?"

She paused for a second. "Like a bloody hummingbird in cinnamon."

I laughed. "That was very descriptive, although somewhat unimaginable."

"It's a strange mix, the deathly sweet vampire smell, the blood pumping to your heart that beats so fast it practically hums, and a little something else."

"Something else?" Intrigued, my eyes enlarged as I rolled over to peer at her.

Arms behind her head, her Greek Goddess profile framed against the graying sky, she said, "Jacob. Jacob smells like cinnamon."

There was an ache there, I could see it as well as feel it.

"It sounds like you miss him, although he lives less than a mile from you. Is it because you are leaving for University? You will be able to think at him all you want, and he'll be able to hear, and think right back." The words spilled out in a rush. Did I feel guilt all ready?

She grinned a tight grimace. "Perhaps he doesn't 'think at me' as much as he used too."

"I'm sorry, is it my fault?" I rolled to my knees, concerned and worried. I had never wanted to consider the possibility of me causing a rift between Jacob and any of his wolves. "I can tell him to!"

"Well, that's just it, isn't it? You'd have to tell him, to remind him." She sighed. "He's gone now, just like the rest. His thoughts are only focused on one thing now. I see you more frequently than you imagine." Her words were both bitter and sad.

"My mother can fix that, she can -"

"The solace your mother gives us is a great gift, but she can't, nor can she be expected to focus on blanketing our thoughts all the time. But my Jacob died the day he imprinted on you."

_My _Jacob. Sam's Jacob, my mother's Jacob, and finally he became my Jacob. I suppose I had missed another Jacob in there, one I had never seen. And suddenly, turning in on myself, I perceived there were a vast many Jacobs, standing behind mine, in an infinite corridor of Jacobs stretching back to his birth. Jacobs I had never met, nor decided to look for. Doubt overwhelmed me. Why did it feel like I had missed something vitally important?

I saw Jacob smiling at me. Laughing with me, playing with me, humming me to sleep. Always focused on me. I felt an overwhelming sense of nausea.

"I don't know if I consider imprinting love or not," Leah pondered, eyes on the sky. Total devotion and dependence upon some one is not something I would seek in a relationship. The thought of a lover refusing life after I died, unable to live without me, I just don't know. I want the person who loves me to value other things in life beside me, otherwise, how could we share anything? A compulsive need to be around some one, I thought that would fix my life. But, what if instead I choose to focus on me, instead of someone else? What could I accomplish with my life if I was thinking about my actions and the world instead of a soul mate?"

I was frozen.

Leah was standing, looking at me, troubled at my distraught expression. "Jacob has never doubted it. Not for a moment," she said. I could see the guilt on her face. "He's never doubted that imprinting on you was the best thing to happen to him."

"I know," I strangled out, ashamed at my display of emotion.

Leah held out her hand to me.

Taking it, I sent her a memory of Jacob, as bright as I could make it. He was pressing his hands to the glass of a window at my home, looking out into the rain intently, his mind concentrating on seeing Leah through the trees.

She yelped and jumped back. Shaking her head, she said, "I'm sorry. I don't ever talk to any one without discretion, but when you just poured out your heart to me, I became lost in my own thoughts, and started rambling. I didn't mean to upset you. It was very callous of me."

Gentlemanly, I thought. Jacob had said she'd lost her aggression to a gruff politeness.

"Let's go find your she-bear."

"I can't," I said lamely. "I'm not fast enough to catch up to her now."

Leah smirked, and tossed her short black hair, and suddenly she looked just like Jacob. "Yes you can."

Leah was small for one of the werewolves, sure, but she was still more than twice the size of a natural wolf. And while she ran, no, _glided _underneath me I felt I saw the forest through the eyes of a supernatural wolf.

The only protected part of the Hoh Rainforest is near the reservation, a division of Olympic National Park, some 25 miles along the Hoh River. The rest of the unprotected trees along the shoreline of the river have been logged. Sometimes Jacob and I would imagine what the place would look like before the axe: beautiful, serene, and vast.

My bear had wandered into one of the few left over remnants of an ancient unprotected primeval rainforest. Spruce and Hemlock trees rushed passed us, while Adler and Fir trees towered above, letting in only the dimmest light. Moist tendrils of moss hung from the branches, draping the bark in bright green. Beads of water fallen from above clung to my skin like little pieces of glass. Droplets glanced off of Leah's light grey fur while she flew over a moldering log. I clenched wads of her soft pelt in my fists as I leaned over her back, molding myself to her speeding form, but I sensed I was no real weight for her to bear.

Propelling herself along a fallen tree, she launched us over the dense network of roots rising up at the base. I could not see the sky, the old growth forest trees creating a web of cross crossing branches and tangled spills of moss. Dim rays of light stabbed down to the undergrowth, lighting our path.

_This is a holy place! _I thought to Leah, and sent her my vision of our forest hallway as a cathedral.

She snorted and shook her head gleefully.

Eventually, we found her, my old scarred she-bear.

She was rooting through a crumbling log for grubs. Ripping through the putrefying bark with her paws, she shoved her agile nose in, sniffing and searching, occasionally gobbling up some worm or beetle thing. She glanced up when she saw us, and I noticed the still healing wounds on her face and shoulder. Large black eyes squinted at us through the gloom, and the great head turned away, back to business.

I had the sudden irresistible desire to go and clasp that large shaggy neck to my chest and whisper to her curved and fuzzy ear that I loved her, that I understood her.

I sent Leah the image of the three of us, the half-breed, the wolf, and the bear on that slab of granite, watching the sun emerge from behind the cloud cover.

We stood and watched the she-bear for a while longer, and then Leah turned us and left.

Clinging to her back as we traveled home, away from the hall of mosses and trees, I thanked the world silently for today, as the sun burned behind the clouds as it dipped beneath the horizon.

Leah dropped me off near home so I could wander back by myself. We said nothing as we parted. I gave her a look of gratitude and she licked my hand then darted off. As I started walking home, I heard her howl into the night and saw her silhouette against the stars.

For the first time, I was very envious of the freedom bestial form had given the La Push pack.

The lights of home were all shining bright as I walked to the door, our little cottage. I could almost feel my father scanning for my thoughts, while I tried to keep the blanket of happiness of the day coating my mind. The electric fireplace was burning cheerily, Mom and Dad were in each other's arms on one of the couches, while Jacob prowled by the window.

"You've been gone a long time," Mother stated cautiously.

"You find your bear?" Dad asked.

"Yep!" I draped myself on the couch opposite. "It was a beautiful day."

Jacob said nothing, disgruntled at my long absence.

My parents excused themselves politely, and crept back to their own room, my Father giving me the look that said, "Tonight, I will be forgiving and keep my mind focused on other things than yours". I knew that look. It was a loving look.

Jacob still paced by the window as I enjoyed the fire.

As he rounded closer to me I grabbed at him and pulled him near me. A moment's resistance, then he submitted to my pounce and let me curl up in his lap. He was becoming awkward with this level of affection, carefully letting me define the boundaries. I was turning into a woman day by day, and it was quite a lot for his wolfish head to get around.

I clasped him to me, and thought furiously at him, _I will endeavor to deserve you, to take care of you, and take the time discover all of you. _

He let me hold him, and buried his face in my hair.

"Hey, whatever it is, it's all right," he said in my ear.

I wept.

I only have a wikipedia understanding of the history of Olympic National Park, but I have visited the Hoh Rainforest and think it's one of the most beautiful places in the world.


	2. The Sea Stack

Many thanks to those who have reviewed or are watching this story! More reviews are very welcome! Sorry for the long wait between chapters. I don't really have a pairing in mind for this story, but I hope you enjoy reading it any way!

Chapter Two

The Sea Stack

I rarely left the seclusion of home. I had no friends outside my vampire family and the La Push wolf pack. My father told me I should be glad to miss out on school, and taught me to read. He gave me book after book, and I devoured them at supernatural speed. Alice and Rosalie taught me history, while Jasper and Emmet taught me science and math. I tried to absorb as much as I could. I enjoyed learning, and felt I had to equal adult mortal human beings in intellect and knowledge since I was going to appear their age. Mom pointed out I had all the time in the world, and that I should enjoy my 'girlhood' while I could. And in her stead, Jacob was always there to sneak me off and play games with me. Late at night, while Mom would read by the fire, Dad taught me music.

Mom never had the patience to learn an instrument, and had begun to develop a singing voice to accompany Dad on the piano. Together, they played old melodies forgotten by time, ballads one hundred years old, love sings written in my father's human youth.

Although I could play the piano efficiently, and I trained my voice along with Mom's, the violin was my instrument of choice. The three of us were veritable orchestral performance, and we would play for Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmet, Alice, and Jasper weekly. Jacob usually forced himself along. He could never bring himself to love classical music, and would place headphones on my ears to regale me with the latest rock CD he downloaded.

Dad tried to teach Jacob the cello, and when he could eventually slash out a few notes in sequence, we would play together. I drew out difficult and complicated melodies around his gentle strumming. I loved to watch his face in utter concentration of the rhythm, teeth grinding and his brow furrowing, while my parents observed us with concerned looks on their faces.

The day after my conversation with Leah, Jacob and I were at it again. I was trying to get him to change key, but his fingers could never seem to find the right strings in time.

After the fifth attempt of screeching flat, Jacob threw his head back and dropped the bow. "I give up Nessie, only a vampire can pull this off!"

I set the violin aside and curled up next to him on the chair. He immediately stiffened, and said nothing.

This new barrier of the physical was daunting to me. The boy who could refuse me nothing also refused to sully our relationship with impure thoughts. He had just begun to notice me as a female, when my five-year-old body looked thirteen, and while I still yearned for the physical comfort of a brother. I wanted to burry myself inside him and ponder. Sometimes it seemed the only times I could think clearly were when I was touching Jacob.

But my knight in shining armor was outlining new boundaries in his head, rules set down to protect me from the still teenage boy in him. Though I recognized his desire to keep our relationship free from sexual tension, I wanted him to take me in his arms like I was still a toddler.

"Why does my life suddenly feel so complicated?" I asked.

"Well, you are a vampire hybrid who's about to hit puberty, things are bound to get a little weird. You're still going to have to deal with hormones. I think." He smirked at me suddenly, then put his arm around my shoulders and said, "Can I show you my instrument of choice?"

Outside my parent's cottage, covered in a tarp, was Jacob's motorcycle, gleaming in the grey light. We stood looking at it, Jacob as proud as a father.

Mentally, I sent him the image of a shaggy wolf riding a motorcycle, with ears flapping in the wind and tongue rolling out.

"Hey, hey, I still have to get around normally sometimes. Besides, I'll have you know I look quite badass riding this."

"So that's why you've have taken up with that leather jacket lately?"

"I've had that for awhile. It'll do better on my back than gathering dust."

Somehow, I knew it was the jacket he wore while biking with my mother when she was human.

Jacob knelt down and lovingly pointed out all the intricacies of the engine: the four cylinders, the drive shaft, and the break lines, sharp little glints of metal.

"How long have you been working on this?" I asked.

"I've been piecing this together for about a year now, running off and stealing parts from junkyards. Wolf ninja style. Believe it or not, auto parts are not fun to carry around in your mouth for miles."

"When?"

"When I'm not here and when Dad's asleep. I don't sleep as much as I did when I was… human." It was strange to hear him say that, when the rest of my family still considered him fairly human, for a supernatural entity.

I knelt down next to him in the mud. "Hey Jacob, will you take me for a ride?"

He rolled his eyes, and looked at me.

"Okaaay. I know my parents have expressly forbid it. Humans around here aren't supposed to see me, yadda yadda yadda."

He kept looking at me suspiciously.

Pleading it was. "I mean, I haven't even been to La Push! I've been alive for five years and I haven't even seen your home. I can just be a girl on your bike. No one has to know who I am, or if some one sees me, just say I'm from the Cullen's extended family." I winked.

"Nessie…" But he was considering. I think Jacob's first thought was for my safety, would there be any issues if I was seen? Any possible danger? But I was a vampire half-breed, nearly indestructible despite my pre-teen form. No mortals we would come across could menace us. Perhaps Jacob was also tired of the cottage and the Cullen grounds, after all, he spent most of his time here in my company. Had my short leash also been an imprisonment for him?

"Right, you're still wearing a helmet."

-----------------------------

It was awkward on the bike at first. I didn't like belonging to Jacob's sense of balance. Every turn it seemed the bike would tip us over, unto the pavement. But somehow, as Jacob leaned left and right, he defied the pull of gravity and we continued forward. The 110 highway, a small two-lane road, wound southwest through the trees towards the coast. The trees loomed oppressively over us, and I could make nothing out through the branches and trunks, they grew so dense. Our tiny trip of sky was grey, like always.

We had blitzed through Forks in two minutes. I had visited once or twice when I was younger, playing the role of Edward Cullen's cousin from abroad. I had spent little time in the nearby area, where the population knew the Cullens as human. Eventually, when I would reach the end of my growth, the Cullens had decided we were to move to Norway and enroll me in high school, an experience Dad felt I needed. Until then, my parents took me out to Seattle on occasion where no one could recognize us, and together we hunted around Forks and the neighboring mountains. I think we stayed in Forks for Mom, as she was gradually letting go of her human life, and for my granddad, Charlie. He was soon to marry a La Push woman, but the romantic process was slow, and only when he was married off and settled was my Mom willing to leave.

If felt like my family and I were in stasis, and as I watched the rain drops slid away with the wind on my helmet, I realized this time in Forks was fleeting. Two more years, less? And what would Jacob do?

I squeezed the black form in front of me as he directed us towards his home. I had hoped he was going to come along with us to Norway.

But suddenly, in my head, Leah laughed and said, "Do you think he has a choice?"

La Push felt abandoned. It had begun to rain, and a soft grey overlay everything. The few buildings and cars looked waterlogged and all fishing boats were tied up and covered. We left the bike and walked along the coast. The rain didn't bother us, but we kept our helmets on. I pointed to the tiny high school, and asked Jacob if he went to school there.

"Yup. All four miserable years."

Since then he had taken classes on and off and online at a few community colleges in the local area then worked as a mechanic who serviced both Forks and La Push.

"How're your wolves doing?" I asked, as we walked along the pier, small waves crashing against the rotting pylons.

He shrugged. "Okay. The youngsters are doing fine, enjoying their status as the babies still, since no new Quilutes have phased since after you were born. Quil, Embry, Jared, and Paul are fine. Seth's going to go to a University soon. He hasn't picked which yet. No community college for him. Sam still does a lot of leader stuff, although I guess I'm technically the chief around here." Jacob winced and took his helmet off and I followed suit. Shaking his long hair in the rain, he said, "Alpha wolf of Olympic Mountain range, hear me howl!" He let out a piercing cry off over the water.

"Omega Vampire Girl of the Hoh Rainforest, hear me roar!" I let out a long wail next to Jacob.

"That was _so _weak."

"Shut your mouth, doggy." Peering through the fog, I saw a dim light sweeping the ocean. "Is that a light house?"

"Yup, on A-ka-lat. James' Island to your people," he said jokingly. Slowly, I saw the outline of a craggy island, topped by trees, not far from shore. "We used to grow some stuff out there, but mainly it's a burial site for old chiefs. Dad will be buried out there."

We talked for a long time, about his pack and his family in La Push, his sisters, and even his mother, albeit briefly. "She was sorta like Bella," he said.

Getting back on the bike, we headed on over to his house, and had hot cocoa with Billy Black. Billy teased me gently, and added extra marshmallows to my cup. I never had much appreciation for human food, but I was in no way adverse to chocolate.

The three of us made ourselves comfortable in the garage, on old worn sofas surrounded by Jacob's garbage dump collection of vehicle parts. While we were talking about the expecting Emily, the first wolf cub to be born in this generation, Leah tramped in.

She wore only sweats and a sleeveless shirt, her wet hair hanging in her eyes. She had an astonished look on her face when she saw us, not expecting to find us there. Billy smiled calmly. "Leah's been visiting me lately. Maybe she thinks she will miss the La Push families when she's off to her University?"

"Think again, old man," she said, suddenly relaxing, the tension gone from her body. "I'm only here to forage in your fridge."

Billy tossed her a towel while Jacob threw her a soda. Catching both easily she sat on top of the sagging ping pong table and joined the conversation.

"It took Emily awhile to get pregnant. But I think it was a good thing. Now Sam has a decent job taking tourists around fishing and back packing, Emily can quit hers."

Jacob and Leah discussed the probability of more La Push wolves phasing in later years. The departure of the Cullen family felt inevitable, and Jacob was considering disbanding the pack officially when we left.

"Jacob showed me your high school today," I said, interrupting. "It looked like a fun place to grow up."

Leah rolled her eyes. "Fun is not the word."

"Hell is the word," Jacob added.

"Is it really that bad? I have to end up there eventually, at high school."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Jacob said as he put his arm around my shoulders. "And if it isn't you can always eat your classmates." I couldn't help but watch Leah's reaction at Jacob's affection.

She gave no sign of chagrin. "Maybe it will be different for you. It wasn't all bad. Just a lot of changes to go through. People you have to get along with," she growled at the memories. "Beware teenage girls, Nessie, don't trust them, they only have boys on their brains."

"I remember when a teacher caught you gluing the locks," Billy said, eyeing Jacob. "I had to pay to replace_ all of them_."

Jacob grinned and whispered in my ear, "I was trying to get out of turning in a book report I didn't finish. It worked; we didn't have school for a day. Even the teachers thanked me."

"And _you_, my dear," said Billy, turning to Leah, "were suspended for a week for cussing out the school nurse."

"What the hell was that even about, Leah?"

She tossed her hair back. "I'll never tell."

The three La Push natives began to reminisce about old times and old friends. At first I listened attentively, but I began to drift away. Jacob and Leah were at ease with each other, no matter her lingering feelings of abandonment. As they discussed their childhoods, I felt a common ground between them, developed by growing up together. Jacob would run his fingers through his hair in embarrassment at old hijinks, like when he had tried to sneak into the girls' locker room, and Leah teased him about his first fumblings with girls. Fighting back, Jacob prodded Leah until she bristled about certain unmentionable accounts. Billy gave up refereeing and wheeled himself into the main house, winking at me as he did so.

Leah lounged on the table a few more minutes, cat-like in her total disregard for politeness, and eventually wandered off, murmuring her farewells.

------------------------

As the sun began it's long descent into the ocean, it's last rays found Jacob and I at First Beach, sitting on a soggy washed up log, looking out over the waves.

"Today felt strange," Jacob confided to me. "In a good way. But for some reason it's like I haven't been through here in ages. I feel like I've just woken up from a long sleep."

I brushed one of his long strands of hair back behind his ears. "Waking life is good."

He smirked and put an arm around my shoulders. "You know, after Bella became a vampire, my life took a turn for the supernatural. I've been so involved in weird vampire business on and off, with the Volturi, and everything, it's like I've forgotten what it's like to be human." My Dad and Jacob had spent nine months abroad in Europe forging alliances with vampires and another six months traveling the America's as ambassadors. Dad told me that my birth had signaled a change in the vampire world, and the full ramifications of it had not yet been seen. Gee, Dad, thanks for making a girl feel special, and totally freaked out.

"You still do the mechanic thing, though, right?"

"Yeah, but lately it feels like a means to an end."

The rain had let off, but the clouds and fog still blocked any view of the sun. All we could see was a soft pink glow over the ocean. Gradually I saw a sillouhuete emerge through the fog. A tall, tree-topped island, about a hundred feet off shore, came into view.

"Are there islands all along this coast?" I asked.

"Yeah, especially around here. They're not really islands though. They're sea stacks. There were once part of the coast until the land bridge eroded away."

The sea stack was thirty to fifty feet tall, with steep rocky sides. The surface was completely covered in ancient trees, long cut off from the forest.

"Me and the wolves used to try swim out to all the sea stacks around here, because we were sure no human had ever made it out there. It was sort of a test of our powers, I think, but it was pretty stupid. I think we made it to around five, but not that one.

I thought of Leah's past with Jacob, their ability to bond over mutual experience. I would never be able to discuss childhood with any one, as I'd never had one. I could never understand the gradual route to consciousness, the development of a personality throughout youth. Just like no one would understand when I discussed what living in a womb was like, or the feeling of my heart fluttering in my chest. Previously, I had been proud of these facts, but as I remembered Jacob and Leah laughing about the first time they illegally bought beer, I was no longer sure. Not for the first time, I felt the disconnect I had with Jacob and my family. Everyone tells me I'm special, but does any one have any real idea what it feels like?

The sheer cliffs of the small sea stack stared out at me, daring me.

I felt exhilaration rise up within, the sudden knowledge and sad joy, that _no_ I was not like any one else. I'm _special_. I can do things that others only dream of, and my true feelings can be as mysterious as the actions of ancient Indian tribes.

I turned to Jacob and felt his surge of anticipation, to sudden desire to go out and exert himself to the fullest.

"Jacob, let's go climb it."

We tossed off our jackets and ran. Jacob grabbed me by the arm and pulled me along with him to the icy water. The shock of it hit me and I froze, but my heart burned inside my chest, drumming hot blood through my cold limbs and I surged forward with Jacob into the sea.

As we swam my body warmed to my arching movements, and Jacob beside me I was sure felt no cold at all, his wolf blood heating him to the ends of his hair.

The waves heaved us up on the sharp rock face, and as I felt the water drag me back Jacob pulled me up along side him and we began the ascent. My superhuman fingers clung to the tiniest handholds, and my feet smeared against the stone, finding purchase where no human would. Together we scaled the vertical cliff, creeping slowly at first but then faster and faster. Jacob grunted as he climbed, checking on me every few feet. But I kept up with him until the very end, where we climbed through a messy tangle of roots reaching out into the sky and Jacob swung himself over the edge and pulled me up to him.

We ran gleefully, as I assume innocent children would, screaming and laughing into the tiny wood. The trees were denser here than I had ever seen, there seemed no ground, only layers and layers of roots digging deep into the rock for whatever nutrition was left. Reaching the center of the island in seconds I sprinted over to Jacob and he picked me up in his arms and swung me around. Placing me on his shoulders he marched through the trees as I dodged branches and caught leaves and pine needles in my hair. We circled the island on the edge, Jacob navigating complex root structures while I attempted to maintain our balance. Glancing over the precipice I watched waves crash against the tiny island, slowly wearing it away.

Back in the center, surrounded only by dark pines, Jacob let me down. He smirked at me and climbed one of the trees, while I leaned against a trunk and watched. He climbed so far up I could no longer see him, and for a moment I had the secluded wood to myself. No sounds except for the wind and waves. No birds, no anything. Just us.

Jacob skidded back down the tree and landed in a crouch. Stretching, he also leaned against a trunk, and we looked at each other.

I felt the tension rise as he stared at me. I know he wanted to break the gaze, but I wouldn't let him. I saw again his long black hair, and dark eyes, his awesome height and his large hands. I saw him as my mother had seen him.

And we were no longer gleeful children; we were Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

I was terrified. I had no idea what Jacob wanted, or what I really wished to happen. I wanted Jacob to be happy and content. And I wanted him with me.

I carefully crossed the path between us, stepping heavily over the uneven ground. He did not blink, but drew up against the trunk, as if in fear. I heard his intake of breath as I approached.

I have nothing, I felt. No past to share that you haven't already been a part of. You are all of me. I want to make you happy.

I was shaking. I was jumping over a cliff and I couldn't see the bottom.

And as Jacob trembled, I stood on my toes and put both my hands on the side of his head.

He paused.

But he gave in.

I pulled his face to mine and we kissed.

----------------------------------

Jacob was warm, and then so very hot. I remembered the trees, the roots, and the island for a moment. But then they were gone.

There was only Jacob, and this immense heat.

He clasped me to him and he felt huge. I wrapped my arms around him, and found I could encircle all of him, and then he felt very small and helpless.

The spell was broken as Jacob ripped away from me and held me at arms length. His hands tightening on my shoulders, he stared at me through his long black hair. I saw decision being made behind his eyes, and defiance and surety.

"Come on, we have to go back."

I fought back tears as I followed him back to the edge. I know a few escaped on the jump down.

The swim back was awful and lasted for an eternity. Scrambling back unto shore, Jacob wrapped both his jacket and mine around me, and placed the helmet on my head. He said nothing on the way back, except "careful" when I got behind him on the bike. I was back to being the little girl.

Mom and Dad were waiting for me on the lawn and Jacob drove up. Mom's arms were crossed and Dad's were behind. Both were glaring at us. As we walked up to them I tried to shield my mind. I imagined locked doors, barred gates, and warning signs, but Dad either ripped the memories regardless from me or from Jacob.

Mom just knew any way.

Before she could let loose on Jacob, I ran past them into my room, and slammed the door. I could still hear her out on the lawn.

"JACOB HOW COULD YOU?" And the tirade went on and on.

Jacob just stood there and took it. He felt he deserved it and said nothing in his defense.

Dad eventually motioned Jacob to get on his bike and leave, and he did so, and my Jacob went roaring away into he distance.

I dug myself into my bed, determined to stay there for eternity.

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I don't like this chapter nearly as much as the first one.


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